Beyond Infertility

August 17, 2010


Filed under: The Daily Grind — beyondinfertility @ 12:47 am

So, I was looking back over my calendar for the past few months.  Since May, I have not been home for more than one week at a time or if I have we’ve had company.  This will end in September.  That means, we’ve been insanely busy for the past four months straight.  Yowza!  No wonder I haven’t had a moment to breathe! 

I leave again this Thursday bright and early returning on Tuesday.  Then, on Thursday of next week my house gains three additional short-term residents.  So, there will be a lot more laundry, laughter, and craziness around this home.  Bring on the nuttiness!


May 24, 2010


Filed under: The Daily Grind — beyondinfertility @ 2:26 pm

I had forgotten how much I missed blogging anonymously over here.  Things have been so topsy turvy lately.  We really just don’t know what each day will hold.  However, I would say that for the most part, we are handling things pretty awesome.  We just continue with business as usual.  What’s really struck me lately is how differently each of us handles things. How we cope.

I am the kind of person who often thinks, “What is the worst case scenario?”  Then, I work calmly to become accustomed to that.  Then, if things are better, I’m super excited!  I don’t necessarily go straight to Blue is going to die tomorrow.  No, I just assume that things will be shorter than longer, symptoms worse rather than lighter.  I plan for them, expect them, and work towards acceptance.  So, if I get longer and less, I’m over the moon.  I don’t brood.  I don’t get pessimistic.  I guess I would call myself a realist.  We’ve had much death and tragedy in our family, and you don’t come away from that without being changed.  My outlook becomes a problem when others have a hard time “going there.”  I’m practical. For example, we have an SUV.  It’s already hard to lift Blue into it.  It’s too high for him to really climb into.  He’s going to get heavier and less capable of assisting.  So, if you ask me, it’s not a stretch to say that we really could use to get a minivan.  It’s lower to the ground, and it would make getting both children in and out much easier.  Well, a certain member of my family who we are close to (not my husband) rolled their eyes when I said my rationale.  Very annoying.  “Yank your head out of the sand and face reality!” is what I wanted to scream.  It’s hard to be one of the only ones operating within reality, seeing things as they are instead of what you want them to be.  I understand it’s a coping mechanism, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I understand that discussing our son’s final expenses is very difficult, but these are things you need to plan for now.  We can’t just wait until the moment is upon us.  I am sincerely hoping that the day is far far away, but in the even that it isn’t, I want my son’s funeral to be beautiful.  That requires planning, forethought, and money saved.  It’s not morbid.  It’s wanting the best for your child even when their last breath has been taken.  That requires more strength than any parent should be forced to have, but it’s our reality.  I know this is hard.  I’m thankful to have some close friends who allow me to talk about as if it’s normal, because this is my new normal.

I’m also thankful that my mother copes in a very similar fashion that I do, or my life would be excruciatingly more difficult.  With her I can say things like, “When Blue is in a wheelchair…” or “Watch out, when that boy has a walker!  Holy smokes!”  These are not downer statements in my book.  They are reality.  This is going to happen.  Not a single child with his condition has avoided it.  I can hope that he might not have to, but I’m operating within the realm of “Of course it will silly!”  When Blue has a walker, he is going to be crazy stable and significantly fast!  Yes, it will suck.  I’m not denying that.  I would rather not ignore the fact that this reality is going to occur.  If I deny it, pretend it’s not going to happen, then I will be devastated when it does.  Make sense?


On to happier.  It looks like Pink has taken significant steps towards walking the past two days!  She has taken 18 plus steps in a row!  Now, she still prefers to crawl.  However, she’s capable of doing it!  Hopefully soon, she’ll be toddling all over the place.  It’s time.  She’s almost fifteen months old.

On a crazy note, I’ve been seriously thinking about those embryos on ice.  In fact, itching to cycle.  I have said time and time again, that I was looking for some kind of reaction from me as to how I really feel about adding more children to our family.  I think I have my answer.  I know that after Blue’s diagnosis, I was quite fearful.  I had thought I knew, then that was a major knuckleball.  What has changed though, is how I feel about sharing that information.  I will not be telling my family.  Most of my friends, yes.  My own family and husband’s family, nope.  We don’t want to face criticism for the decision.  It’s so crazy personal.  I don’t think I could live with myself if I let them go.  I’m attached, and I’ve come to accept that.  I know that will make things a bit insane around here with Blue needing extra care.  I’m thankful that I have extra hands here every single day.  I also don’t want Pink to be all alone when my husband and I are gone.  I want her to at least have a shot at being an aunt.  Not that there is any guarantees there.  So, no sharing it is.  I will blog about it over here though.  Next summer everybody!  It’s game on!    That gives us time to move (please house sell!), establish ourselves in our new home, send Blue off to preschool for a second year (and be in kindergarten if the cycle is successful if/when number three comes to be.)

Ok, enough for today.  Off to weed the hedges.  I know, glamorous!

October 7, 2009

Just say something.

Filed under: Seasonal,The Daily Grind — beyondinfertility @ 11:21 pm

So, here I am sitting in my new virtual living room.  Ok, so it’s more like a car winding down dirt roads, making a u-turn here and there, speeding only to stall and such.  Hey, at least it has that new car smell to it, right?  Just nod for me please.  My old site had gotten old and run down, bogged down and tied to the fact that my in-laws and everybody that knows me in real life reads it.  Super fabulous…no…not really.  I had to censor and edit all that would have truly been blog worthy.

So, I’m ready.  Game on!  I get to be me again!  Whooo  hooo!  Now, if I only knew where to begin.  Working on that.

Since I have to start somewhere, allow me to just throw out there that I’m thrilled that fall is now upon us.  Not only does it mean lower air conditioning bills, being able to snuggle under blankets, and crisp air, but it also means an end to the daily shaving of my legs!  Yes!  Oh, c’mon, you know you are just as excited at I am!  The only one who really cares if I skip a day or two is me.  The only other one who would notice is my husband, and let’s face it, if he notices it means he’s getting lucky.  Men who are getting lucky don’t complain about leg hair to their wives.  At least if they are smart they don’t! 

I’ll end this here, but I promise more later.

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