Beyond Infertility

Back Story- Will be taken down soon.

Very Abbreviated:

Husband previously married while 19 and in the military, wife cheated while he was on tour, came home and found them in bed, daughter only months old, she got sole custody and husband has no visitation (no clue how that worked out!)  Hasn’t seen her or the daughter since.  Very ugly time from his past.  Just recently ex-wife addicted to drugs, homeless, and daughter and her brother were removed from the home, and my husband’s sister and brother in-law have decided to raise her.

f somebody had ever asked me a long time ago if I would support a biological father’s decision to cut himself out of the life of his child, I would vehemently said no.  I was thinking black and white, when there are thousands of shades of gray.  I pushed hard for my husband to reach out to Helen when we first got together.  I was forcing the two of them together for what I thought was the greater good.  I didn’t take my own husband’s opinion into account, because he didn’t know how to express what he felt.

It took him a very very long time to be able to express what is a very politically incorrect opinion.  It is highly frowned upon to not want to know “your child.”  The guilt of our infertility adds another layer.  Many assume that since we so desperately worked to have children, that there is no way in hell we could turn one away no matter what.  It’s even worse to them that we can love our adopted son, but can’t muster up love for Helen.  I understand the logic, but matters of the heart are rarely logical.

I met my own biological father a few years ago, and it all became clear to me on so many levels.  He left around my mom and me around the same time Justin left his ex and Helen.  Neither one had contact with “their children.”  It’s amazing to me what insight this gave me, but it didn’t come without a whole lot of communication between my biological father (whom I also can’t bring myself to love) and me.  What I learned from the situation is beyond difficult to put into words, but it definitely helps me understand my husband a great deal.

My in-laws think we view the girl as a threat.  That’s so not the case.  The problem is, of course, my children’s safety considering the whole acting out sexually as a result of being abused, but it’s also more of the emotional scars she would incur with a forced and premature relationship.  I do know my husband said he would be willing to talk when she is a bit older.  They have spoken on the phone a month or two ago.  She’s articulate and intelligent, but she’s also manipulative, angry, scared, and so much more.  I feel for her more than anybody will ever know.  We just can’t give her what she needs. *sigh*  Life…


1 Comment »

  1. My nieces husband found out last year that he has a daughter in Florida. He had no idea she existed until the childs mother was arrested and the child was put “in the system”. After obtaining a DNA to be certain he was in fact the little girls father, he is now having to pay child support for the first 10 years that he didn’t even know she existed. The state of Florida began garnishing his wages (he lives in the midwest) before he ever even met her. It is a mess. The child is a mess. My niece is a mess. She is a manipulative little girl, having learned some serious things from mom and mom’s significant other. These situations usually don’t work out very well, sadly.

    I hope yours works out smoothly.

    Comment by onlyhalfnuts — January 5, 2010 @ 11:45 pm | Reply

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