Beyond Infertility

May 24, 2010


Filed under: The Daily Grind — beyondinfertility @ 2:26 pm

I had forgotten how much I missed blogging anonymously over here.  Things have been so topsy turvy lately.  We really just don’t know what each day will hold.  However, I would say that for the most part, we are handling things pretty awesome.  We just continue with business as usual.  What’s really struck me lately is how differently each of us handles things. How we cope.

I am the kind of person who often thinks, “What is the worst case scenario?”  Then, I work calmly to become accustomed to that.  Then, if things are better, I’m super excited!  I don’t necessarily go straight to Blue is going to die tomorrow.  No, I just assume that things will be shorter than longer, symptoms worse rather than lighter.  I plan for them, expect them, and work towards acceptance.  So, if I get longer and less, I’m over the moon.  I don’t brood.  I don’t get pessimistic.  I guess I would call myself a realist.  We’ve had much death and tragedy in our family, and you don’t come away from that without being changed.  My outlook becomes a problem when others have a hard time “going there.”  I’m practical. For example, we have an SUV.  It’s already hard to lift Blue into it.  It’s too high for him to really climb into.  He’s going to get heavier and less capable of assisting.  So, if you ask me, it’s not a stretch to say that we really could use to get a minivan.  It’s lower to the ground, and it would make getting both children in and out much easier.  Well, a certain member of my family who we are close to (not my husband) rolled their eyes when I said my rationale.  Very annoying.  “Yank your head out of the sand and face reality!” is what I wanted to scream.  It’s hard to be one of the only ones operating within reality, seeing things as they are instead of what you want them to be.  I understand it’s a coping mechanism, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I understand that discussing our son’s final expenses is very difficult, but these are things you need to plan for now.  We can’t just wait until the moment is upon us.  I am sincerely hoping that the day is far far away, but in the even that it isn’t, I want my son’s funeral to be beautiful.  That requires planning, forethought, and money saved.  It’s not morbid.  It’s wanting the best for your child even when their last breath has been taken.  That requires more strength than any parent should be forced to have, but it’s our reality.  I know this is hard.  I’m thankful to have some close friends who allow me to talk about as if it’s normal, because this is my new normal.

I’m also thankful that my mother copes in a very similar fashion that I do, or my life would be excruciatingly more difficult.  With her I can say things like, “When Blue is in a wheelchair…” or “Watch out, when that boy has a walker!  Holy smokes!”  These are not downer statements in my book.  They are reality.  This is going to happen.  Not a single child with his condition has avoided it.  I can hope that he might not have to, but I’m operating within the realm of “Of course it will silly!”  When Blue has a walker, he is going to be crazy stable and significantly fast!  Yes, it will suck.  I’m not denying that.  I would rather not ignore the fact that this reality is going to occur.  If I deny it, pretend it’s not going to happen, then I will be devastated when it does.  Make sense?


On to happier.  It looks like Pink has taken significant steps towards walking the past two days!  She has taken 18 plus steps in a row!  Now, she still prefers to crawl.  However, she’s capable of doing it!  Hopefully soon, she’ll be toddling all over the place.  It’s time.  She’s almost fifteen months old.

On a crazy note, I’ve been seriously thinking about those embryos on ice.  In fact, itching to cycle.  I have said time and time again, that I was looking for some kind of reaction from me as to how I really feel about adding more children to our family.  I think I have my answer.  I know that after Blue’s diagnosis, I was quite fearful.  I had thought I knew, then that was a major knuckleball.  What has changed though, is how I feel about sharing that information.  I will not be telling my family.  Most of my friends, yes.  My own family and husband’s family, nope.  We don’t want to face criticism for the decision.  It’s so crazy personal.  I don’t think I could live with myself if I let them go.  I’m attached, and I’ve come to accept that.  I know that will make things a bit insane around here with Blue needing extra care.  I’m thankful that I have extra hands here every single day.  I also don’t want Pink to be all alone when my husband and I are gone.  I want her to at least have a shot at being an aunt.  Not that there is any guarantees there.  So, no sharing it is.  I will blog about it over here though.  Next summer everybody!  It’s game on!    That gives us time to move (please house sell!), establish ourselves in our new home, send Blue off to preschool for a second year (and be in kindergarten if the cycle is successful if/when number three comes to be.)

Ok, enough for today.  Off to weed the hedges.  I know, glamorous!



  1. I think it’s good to be a realist, I’m pretty much the same way. I’d rather deal with things now then feel blind sided when they finally happen. So excited about the embryos!

    Comment by lifelemons — May 24, 2010 @ 2:34 pm | Reply

  2. I agree that it is good to acknowledge that those things will happen but that doesn’t mean I’m not praying that he won’t be as healthy and strong and happy as possible for as long as possible…

    Comment by Heather — May 24, 2010 @ 7:56 pm | Reply

  3. I think looking at things realistically is the best way to do it. You know what you are dealing with, it makes sense to look at all possible options. And you have 2 kids – a minivan makes sense even without Blue’s diagnosis. People can suck it.

    I totally get why you would keep cycling to yourself. We have never told family when we were cycling. It made it easier to not have to answer questions and stuff.

    Comment by My Reality — May 25, 2010 @ 1:13 am | Reply

  4. I agree about being realistic, being blindsided really sucks and I don’t care to have that happen again. If I do a FET sometime it’ll be a secret one too.

    Comment by scarredbellybutton — May 25, 2010 @ 1:02 pm | Reply

  5. But you’d still tell your parents wouldn’t you? I’m trying to imagine you not sharing that with your Mom and can’t.

    Comment by sky — May 25, 2010 @ 7:20 pm | Reply

  6. Oh, of course I would tell my parents! I wouldn’t dream of not telling them. Sky, you are right, I couldn’t fathom not telling my mom. 🙂

    Comment by Team Winks — May 26, 2010 @ 12:17 pm | Reply

  7. I understand that some people really feel like “negative” thinking is counterproductive. But I totally see your point that there’s negativity and there’s reality. I’m with you. Being realistic and coming to terms with what will eventually be the case isn’t a bad thing. And frankly, since no one else has to walk in your shoes, the eye rolling is completely uncalled for. I mean if they’re not coming over to do the heavy lifting every single time your son needs a boost into/out of the car, they shouldn’t be commenting (even non-verbally).

    It’s got to be bittersweet to think about those embryos now. I mean, I imagine it would be a hard choice and a little bittersweet no matter what, but again, I totally see where you’re coming from. It’s hard to imagine other people understanding your very personal decision and I wouldn’t want to be judged for that either (it’s bad enough they’re passing judgment on your decision about a car!!!).

    Comment by coffeegrl — May 26, 2010 @ 1:06 pm | Reply

  8. Your attitude and realism are refreshing. You are dealing with this in the best way possible, accepting it and taking steps to ensure you’re prepared for the future. I’m glad you have others in your life who are supportive and realistic too and sorry you have to deal with the eye-rolls.
    Your decisions about building your family are exactly that – your decisions. You certainly don’t need anyone else’s approval if you and your husband feel driven to add to your family. I’m glad you’re keeping it private, but still have some outlets in which to talk about it. Good luck selling the house.

    Comment by hope548 — May 26, 2010 @ 4:04 pm | Reply

  9. I 100% support you making changes now and being forward thinking about what is going to make life for Blue, and thereby his sister and parents, the most comfortable and “normal” in the coming years. When I heard you were selling your house I had wondered if that was the reason – to something that is one story? To downsize so you’d have more cash on hand? For something with a larger garage to store items he may need? And so on.

    I am so glad you are back blogging here, knowing that this is YOUR safe place to express such things. And I am so grateful (can a blogger who doesn’t know you but loves you be grateful?!) that your Mom is there to understand and support you in the way she does. It’s profound how she knows to support you and the kids in so many ways. I have a good (though not perfect, LOL) mommy, too. And she loves Lil Pumpkin fiercely (she loves Peanut, but that relationship is still forming, if you catch my drift).

    As for cycling . . . I gotta say, I totally agree with you NOT telling people around you. The “dumb comment” quotient will grow exponentially, regardless, but at least you won’t have to hear it while you cycle and maybe for the first few months while you are pregnant. Perhaps you can find an online board for that kind of support – I gotta think one exists?

    WUV YA!

    Comment by Ms. J — May 28, 2010 @ 6:10 pm | Reply

  10. I had the same thought that Sky had. LOL you and your parents are so close that I was boggled at the idea of you not sharing.

    I think its amazingly wonderful that you want to make sure Pink has a sibling when she grows up thats still with her. Its not like you are or can replace Blue. You are just making sure your family is complete. Nothing wrong with wanting that.

    Comment by Alex — June 2, 2010 @ 9:46 pm | Reply

  11. I knew there was a reason we clicked. You think the same way I do. I always am prepared, but thrilled when things don’t hit the shitter as quickly as they could.

    I wouldn’t stop talking in realities. It is not healthy to be an ostrich. I think pre-planning anything is great. My kids freak out when I tell them what to do with me when my time comes. I keep trying to tell them, that knowing things going in, will take away one more element of drama, confusion, etc.

    I wish I still had our van. I would have it shipped to you and get it retrofitted for all the things you will need.

    You know, everyone has their own “normal” in their lives. Life is one big adjustment and going in with your eyes open will save you so much shock and disappointment in the long run.

    I think adding to the family is an outstanding idea. More love, more smiles, more laughs. How could anyone say no to that? 🙂

    Comment by OHN — June 26, 2010 @ 1:26 pm | Reply

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